Observations of an Eyebrow Conversation
by the darkness revealed
Summary: Report written by: Dr. Owen Harper. Observed: during Torchwood/Unit meeting. Specimens: Captain Jack Harkness and Mr. Ianto Jones. Report commences....
1. Observations of an Eyebrow Conversation

i can't think of a cute or funny disclaimer, so i'll have to stick to the old classic: I don't own TW.

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Observations of an Eyebrow Conversation by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr. Owen Harper

Observed: during Torchwood/Unit meeting

Specimens: Captain Jack Harkness and Mr. Ianto Jones

Report commences:

So I was sitting at the boardroom table, bored out my bloody mind. The stupid Unit commander guy was yattering on about…well…I don't really know. I wasn't paying any attention. Anyways, so I was sitting there, about to bang my darn head against the table out of boredom. Then I noticed two of my colleagues, Harkness and the Teaboy, seemed to be having a conversation. Here, I made a transcript of it.

CJH- Wiggles eyebrows

IJ- Raises one eyebrow

CJH- Wiggles eyebrows harder

IJ- Raises other eyebrow

CJH- Wiggles one eyebrow at a time

IJ- Blushes and lowers eyebrows

CJH- Raises one eyebrow

IJ- Raises both eyebrows

CJH- Wiggles eyebrows three times

IJ- Wiggles eyebrow once

CJH- Grins

IJ- Blushes and looks away

Fascinating, eh?

Later on, after the meeting, I went to the Captain's office to ask him about something. Unfortunately, I walked in on the Teaboy and the Captain snogging.

I am traumatized but I now know what the whole eyebrow conversation was about.

Those two are a mystery. In the name of science, I will continue to observe them!

End of Report

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Random idea that popped into my head while i was doing my chores.

Please tell me what you thought of it!!! Do you think i should write more observations?


	2. Observations of a Manipulator

I don't own Torchwood, or Harry Potter...

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Observations of a Manipulator by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr Owen Harper

Observed: Sometime in July

Specimens: Captain Jack Harkness and Mr. Ianto Jones

Report commences:

It was during June when I saw just how manipulative and scheming the Teaboy could be. You see, the Teaboy was a fan of Harry Potter (I hate the whole bloody series myself) and he was extremely excited for the sixth movie to come out. The whole darned end of June and beginning of July all we heard was, "I'm going to see it as soon as it comes out!" and "Tom Felton is so hot!" and "Harry Potter blah, blah, blah…!"

It was extremely annoying and by the beginning of July I was ready to bash his head in the next time he even mentioned the words "Harry Potter". Plus, all his obsessive talk about Tom Felton and Rupert Grint had the Captain red with jealousy.

Then, the day before it came out, the Teaboy asked Jack if he would go with him. Jack immediately said no. Iant - I mean, the Teaboy, looked extremely hurt. He continued asking Jack, and Jack kept saying no.

Finally, at the end of the day, after Jack said no yet again, the Teaboy left, looking down. I thought that he had finally given up, but then I noticed the crafty gleam of his eyes. He was planning something.

Sure enough, the next day, he arrived at the Hub not wearing his suit. He was in fact wearing a tight pair of jeans and a sweater. The Captain looked extremely turned on. The Teaboy went into his office. I don't know what happened in there, but after ten minutes, a very mussed looked Teaboy came out, leading a tousled Captain by the hand. He said they were going to see Harry Potter, and left.

My conclusions are that the Teaboy can be extremely crafty if he wants to be, and won't take no for an answer. He now has the Captain wrapped around his finger…Is he planning to take over the Hub?

Must continue to observe those two…

End of Report

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Popped into my head after dinner Saturday night...

By the way, if you don't know who Tom Felton and Rupert Grint are, they play Malfoy and Ron Weasley. And i think they are extremely cute, especially Tom Felton. :)

Please tell me what you think!


	3. Observations of an Overprotective Lover

I don't own TW, and i don't think anyone owns H1N1.

Please note that if you don't know what H1N1 (aka Swine Flu) is, then this chapter won't make much sense. Now, on with the report...

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Observations of an Overprotective Lover by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr. Owen Harper

Observed: November, 2009

Specimens: Captain Jack Harkness and Mr. Ianto Jones

Report commences:

The Captain can be extremely stubborn and frustrating sometimes. Actually, I take that back-he's frustrating and stubborn all the time. But this time, he was at his worst.

You know the whole craze about swine flu? It's crazy - everyone's getting vaccines and panicking, and sales of Purell Hand Sanitizer have gone WAY up.

Well, a certain Captain is panicking along with the rest of the world. And the main object of his paranoid focus is his (poor) lover, the Teaboy.

It all started when the Captain came to work lugging a HUGE box of Purell bottles. And he insisted that everyone wash their hands before and after every meal. And when he said that, he started looking at me. I could practically feel the "Hint hint wink wink" vibes coming off him. Fortunately, by the end of the meeting, his attention had turned somewhere else.

It just started with him making sure the Teaboy had a coat and plenty of Purell. But by the next day, he had bought him cold medicine, cough syrup and a big box of tissues. Then he started driving him EVERYWHERE, even if it was just to the post office, which is a block away. By the end of the next week, he was making sure the Teaboy had no other human contact (as in touching) other than him.

You can imagine the Teaboy's annoyance. He started giving everyone decaf, which made everyone beg Jack to stop being so overprotective. He didn't listen, bloody git he is. In fact, the next day, he brought in a big, plastic suit for the Teaboy to wear.

It was the final straw. The Teaboy completely broke the suit up, and then burned - yes, burned! - the tissue boxes. He then threw out all the syrups, medicines and hand sanitizers Jack had got him. Then he sat Jack down and gave him the most severe lecture I have ever heard.

Fortunately, by the next day, Jack stopped all signs of overprotectiveness, and Ianto went back to work, confident that Jack would stop smothering him. But he doesn't know that Jack has a secret emergency H1N1 medical kit in his office...

End of Report

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THis was written in the library...i luv the library. :) I just thought that since everyone is going on about H1N1, Jack would be too.

What do you think? Please review!


	4. Observations of a Traumatized Doctor

Observations of a Traumatized Doctor by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr. Owen Harper

Observed: January of 2010

Specimens: Dr. Owen Harper, Captain Jack Harkness, and Mr. Ianto Jones

Report commences:

Sso I waljked in ths miorning and…give me a second to calm down…

That's better.

So I walked in this morning. I was alone, because Tosh had a cold and Gwen was spending the day with her annoying boyfriend, Whathisname. I needed to ask the Captain something, so I went up to his office. And I saw--urgh, I'm actually blushing--the Captain and the Teaboy on his desk…Dammit, I just can't go on! Let's just say that there was a lot of chocolate sauce, a box of stopwatches, an abnormally large mug of coffee and a hockey stick involved.

Oh, G-d. I am TRAUMATIZED.

Observations of post-traumatic reactions: I'm shaking horribly, and I feel the urge to take a very hot bath and scrub out my brain. I am also resisting (not very well) taking Retcon.

One thing's for certain--I will not be able to look at the Captain, the Teabot or a mug of coffee for quite a while. And there goes my ice cream sundae with chocolate sauce.

End of Report

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I thought this up last night in the shower. It's quite funny because the idea for this whole entire Observations story was also thought up in the shower.

Two exams down…Seven to go!

Please review!!!


	5. Observations of a Cupid Captain

Observations of a Cupid Captain

Report written by: Dr. Owen Harper

Observed: Valentine's Day

Specimens: Captain Jack Harkness

Report commences:

Oh my God. The Captain has finally cracked.

I just walked into the Hub, and it's…PINK. A vivid and completely nauseating shade of bright pink that somehow reminds me of little giggling girls and fat naked babies with arrows. And are those little red confetti hearts falling from the ceiling? How did this happen?

There can be only one person responsible for this.

Huh. Speak of the devil. The Captain just came out wearing—Oh, you have got to be kidding me. He's dressed like a cupid, complete with little fake wings and a bow and arrows.

"Hey there!" He greets me, a huge smile on his face.

"What the heck did you do?" I'm completely stunned.

He grins at me. "Happy Valentine's Day!" he sings, twirling around. "You like the decorations?"

"wha-?" I regain my senses. "No! I do NOT like the decorations!"

He pouts. "Why not?"

"Why not?!" This guy is an IDIOT. "The Hub looks like the room of a deranged seven year old girl! I HATE PINK! And this stupd confetti is bugging the hell out of me! No, I definitely do not like it! I COMPLETELY NOT LIKE IT!"

That's when the Teaboy walks in. "Oh, hi Owen. I see you're telling the idiot how bad his idea is."

"You gotta problem with that?" I was not in a good mood.

"Nope." He looks bored. "Maybe you can knock some sense into him."

"Oh come on!" The Captain seems to have reverted to the level of a hyper ten year old. "Don't be such party poopers!" He dissolves into giggles, though I don't see what's funny.

"Squee!"

I wince…only one person possess vocal cords with that level of sound.

"HEY GWEN!" The Captain screeches happily.

"Jack!" Gwen screeches back! "I love the decorations!"

"Yay!" He squeals. "At last, someone who truly understands art!"

"Art? I'll give you art! You annoying little-!" I take a deep breath and count to 10. 'Remain calm,' I say silently. 'Remain calm!'

"Oh my gosh!" Tosh walks in. "Did an alien attack?"

"Sorry Tosh!" the Captain beams. "No aliens! It's all me!"

"Unfortunately," the Teaboy mutters.

"Ok!" the Captain calls. "Gather round, gather round!"

He waits till we were all listening to him.

"First of all, happy Valentine's Day!" He says happily. "Since it's Valentine's Day, I hereby give everyone the day off. Gwen, go and spend some time with Rhys, kay?"

She grins. "Sure thing! Thanks Jack!" And she goes off, already dialing Rhys's number.

The Captain watches her go with a satisfied look on his face. Then he notices the Teaboy walking away.

"Ianto, wait! You're with me!" He calls. "I'm taking you to lunch!"

The Teaboy pauses. "You'd better change out of those ridiculous clothes first," he answers, but with a smile on his face.

The Captain laughs and begins to walk away with the Teaboy. I shrug and watch them go. The idea of a lonely Valentine's Day didn't appeal to me, so I turn to Tosh. "Hey Tosh, wanna go for a drink or something?"

She smiles at me, looking surprised. "Sure."

She and I go off, leaving the Hub empty and silent, except for the sound of gently falling confetti.

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Happy Valentine's Day!!!!

Please review!


	6. Observations of a Baked Potato

Observations of a Baked Potato

Report written by: Dr. Owen Harper

Observed: Lunchtime

Specimens: a baked potato, Captain Jack Harkness

Report commences:

Hmph. It's time for lunch and the Captain has just given me a baked potato. When I asked why the heck he gave me it, he just answered that he'd had one left over from his dinner last night and thought maybe I'd like it, because he distinctly remembered me saying once that I like baked potatoes. Which is true.

So,yeah. I'm surprised and slightly suspicious at his generosity, but I'm hungry, and that potato looks really good. The Captain even got the Teaboy to warm it up for me! Maybe the Captain's not so bad…

Oh my G-D!!!! The potato just moved!!!! I was about to put my fork in and it TWITCHED!!!!

Breathe in…Breathe out….Look around….Make sure no one saw my small display of unmanliness….Phew….No one was paying attention. Good.

I'm checking over the potato carefully, but I don't see anything unusual. It's a normal potato—brown and lumpy. Hmm…Maybe it's something inside of the potato…Time to dissect the potato!!!

Hee hee…This is fun. I've never dissected a potato before. It feels weird. It's all mushy, and it doesn't have any internal organs.

Wait…there's something metal in there! It's some kind of controller…wait a second. It's that device that controls inanimate objects. What's a controller doing in there?

…

There can be only one person idiotic enough to put a controller in a potato just to see me jump….

Captain Harkness…YOU ARE DEAD!!!!!

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I've had this idea in my head for quite a while. I hope it turned out well…Please review and tell me what you think!


	7. Observations of a Banana Revenge

Observations of a Banana Revenge by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Doctor Owen Harper

Observed: Two days after potato incident

Specimens: Captain Jack Harkness

Report commences:

Remember that…incident with a potato? Well, it's been two days and I'm still steaming. I promised revenge, and revenge there will be.

Here's my plan: You know how the Captain loves bananas? Seriously, he's infatuated with them. I once saw him slow-dancing with one. Apparently, they remind him of someone he knew a while back, someone he must have had a crush on, to look at bananas like that.

Anyways, I very carefully placed the same controller the Captain used into a banana. Then I'm gonna give it to him and activate the controller. I can't wait to see his face when his banana moves! You know what they say: An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.

Ok, I just gave it to him. I was all like, "I know you love bananas and I happen to have an extra, so here, please take it." And the Captain, the idiot that he is, took it! He wasn't even suspicious!!!

It's been five minutes, and he hasn't eaten it yet. He's just sitting in his office, staring at it. He left the blinds open, so I can see everything.

Finally! He opened the banana! He's about to take a bite! Controller, don't fail me now!

Mwa ha ha ha! You should've seen his face! When he saw the banana jerk, he jumped a foot into the air and screamed like a girl! Oh, and I brought in a video camera, so the whole thing was caught on tape, preserved forever!

Revenge is sweet!

Uh oh. He's coming for me now, and he doesn't look to happy. Better run.

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You know, writing a revenge story never even crossed my mind. Thanks to Ravenja70 for suggesting I write a revenge Observations story. This is for you, Ravenja70!

Please review!


	8. Observations of a Private Conversation

This is for Marian. Locksley

Observations of a Private Conversation by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr. Owen Harper

Observed: On a Thursday

Specimens: Captain Jack Harkness, Mr Ianto Jones, Dr Owen Harper

Report commences:

I needed to ask the Captain something, so I went up to his office. Just outside the door, I realized that he was talking to someone—the Teaboy in fact—and I stopped, eager to hear what they were discussing. I heard the following conversation:

IJ: this is the stupidest idea ever. I shouldn't have agreed to this.

CJH: Ianto, please. I need this!

(silence)

IJ: No, wait! It's too big—it'll never fit!

CJH: Don't worry, it will. I've had experience.

(silence)

IJ: Ow, ow, ow! Take it out, quickly!

CJH: I could've sworn it would fit…

IJ: Let's try again. Push it in.

CJH: Like this?

IJ: Yeah, just like that, but faster.

By that time, I was practically hyperventilating. I quickly turned and tried to walk away, hoping no one would notice me. Just my luck—almost immediately, the door swung open, and the Captain called out to me. "Hey, Owen! Can you come in?"

That was exactly the last thing I wanted to do, but I found myself turning and following the Captain into his office. The Captain led me to a corner, where the Teaboy was standing, clutching his hand, with a half-assembled shelf on the floor by his feet.

"What happened here?" I asked cautiously, hoping that I wouldn't receive a graphic account of a sex session.

"Oh, it's a long story. Basically, I decided I needed some more shelves so I bought some, and convinced Ianto to help me put them together, because those instructions are insanely hard! And I tried to screw in a screw but Ianto said the screwdriver was too big and when I was trying to screw it, I accidentally poked Ianto's hand. And it's bleeding, so could you check it?"

I heaved a silent sigh of relief and nodded.

The Teaboy's scratch wasn't serious, just a slight cut. I stuck on a band-aid on him and pronounced him fit for duty. Jack grinned, thanked me, and sent me on my way, a little too eagerly.

The Captain's a terrible liar, and I could tell that what they were doing in there wasn't assembling a shelf. At least, I don't think so.

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It took me a ridiculously long time to write this. Oh well. I hope you like it!

Please review!


	9. Observations of an April Fool

Observations of an April Fool by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr. Owen Harper

Observed:April 1st (AKA April Fool's Day)

Specimens: Captain Jack Harkness

Report commences:

April Fool's Day…one of my favourite days of the year...I get to pull pranks and trick people, and not get into trouble! In fact, it's expected!

Heh, heh, heh…I'm going to have so much fun today.

I'm gonna prank me some Captains now!

Prank 1: I got Tosh to fake a Weevil alert, and the Captain took me along with him. When we got there (a deserted warehouse) I sneakily convinced him to split up. Idiot that he is, he just nodded and went off. I then slipped into a monster costume that I had borrowed from, no joke, the Teaboy.

Picture the scene: The Captain is sneaking around, trying to find the Weevil. He hears a sound, he freezes. He sees a shadow moving and goes after it. And then, he receives a humongo shock when a big green thing jumps on him screaming "April Fools!"

The Captain was _not_ amused, but I sure was.

Prank 2: I called him to the autopsy bay to see something important. All innocent and trusting, he comes over and slips on the oil I spread on the stairs. I nearly busted a rib laughing.

And on it went. The bucket of oatmeal above his office door, the coffee spiked with pepper, the puddle of plastic vomit on his desk, the fake eyeballs in his food…the Captain fell for every single little trick I played on him, even the hand buzzer and the water spraying flowers.

The Captain is such an idiot. In fact, I'd go so far as to say he's an April Fo-aaargh!

Oh my G-d…..the entire rest of the team just jumped on me out of nowhere and yelled, "April Fools!"

Oh well. I guess we're all April Fools in the end.

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I'm not so sure about this, so tell me what you thought!

I see that they've redesigned the Review Button. Doesn't it look pretty? Pretty enough to click! Go on, you know you want to!


	10. Observations of a Hat

Observations of a Hat by the darkness revealed 

Report written by: Dr Owen Harper

Observed: 9:30 am, just as I came into work

Specimens: UNIT cap, Dr Owen Harper

Report commences:

There it sat, looking innocent and harmless. But no way was I touching it--NO WAY.

I mean, why would a red UNIT cap be sitting on a desk? Well, someone must have put it there. And who do I know with a liking for UNIT caps? That's right--the Captain and the Teaboy.

So no way am I touching that hat. I wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole.

I just realized--it's on my desk, right? And I'm pretty sure the Teaboy doesn't wear it when he's cleaning it up…

Ew! The Captain and the Teaboy had sex over my desk!

Oh my G-d, I have a really yucky mental image in my head…

Ok, I'm not touching my desk either…

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It's really short, but I think it's cute. What do you think?

Please review!


	11. Observations of a Magical Man Part 1

Observations of a Magical Man Part 1 by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr Owen Harper

Observed: Friday in the beginning of April

Specimens: Mr. Ianto Jones, Captain Jack Harkness

Report commences:

The Captain is having a bad day. He's all grumpy and huffy and a pain to be around. He gave Gwen a twenty minute lecture on responsibility when she came in a half hour late. Mind you, she deserved it; she's been coming late for months.

So now even Gwen is afraid to be near the Captain. He keeps snapping at everyone.

Ok, I've officially diagnosed his bad mood as sleep deprivation. According to the Teaboy, the Captain hasn't slept properly in almost a week. Huh. I'll take that to mean that they're sleeping together— really sleeping together, not just shagging.

Well, I'm not gonna tell the Captain that he should go take a nap. Gwen tried and got another twenty minute lecture. *snort* You should've seen her face.

And now the Captain has retired to his office to sulk. He's just sitting there growling silently to himself. No way am I going in there. I'm too young to die.

The Teaboy just went in. I'm praying that nothing happens to him --what'll I do about coffee?

Wow. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I'd never have believed it. The Teaboy just went over to the Captain and started massaging his shoulders. For a second, I thought the Captain was going to yell at him or something, but then he just relaxed. The Teaboy whispered something in his ear; the Captain nodded, looking sleepy, and went down his hole to his bed.

The Teaboy just left, smirking slightly.

I think he has magical powers. No one else has ever approached the Captain when he's in a temper and lived. Is the Teaboy a wizard?

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I just randomly got this idea, so I decided to write it down, and yeah.

Part 2 coming up soon! Have a great weekend everyone!

Please review!


	12. Observations of a Magical Man Part 2

Part two, as promised. Enjoy!!!

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Observations of a Magical Man Part 2 by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr Owen Harper

Observed: Monday. I hate Mondays.

Specimens: Mr. Ianto Jones, Dr Owen Harper, Gwen Cooper

Report commences:

I am very annoyed at the world.

A Rift opening was predicted for around lunchtime today. And the Captain told me, the Teaboy and Gwen to go. Why? Because he wants us to have some 'on-site bonding time'. On-site bonding time my butt. I bet he just wanted us out of the way so he could…ok, gonna stop there.

Anyways, we go to the place—an abandoned alley in Splott, how clichéd can you get?—and wait and wait and wait…Finally, the bloody Rift opens and you know what comes out? Goop. That's right, it started pouring buckets and buckets of goop right down on us. Thanks a lot, Rift. You make our job _ever_ so fun!

So now I'm dripping in gunk. I look like some lame slime monster in an old monster flick. Or a giant slug. I'll go with the monster.

Heh heh, Gwen is no better. Her hair is completely covered, and now she's complaining about how she just got it done and how it'll take forever to wash it out and bla bla bla…

Oh great. The Teaboy somehow comes out completely slime-free. There's not even a speck of goo on him! How does he do it?

Ok, this just proves it. The Teaboy is magical.

Hey, do you think he knows Harry Potter?

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I love the last line :)

So, did you like it? Please review!


	13. Observations of a Dancing Queen

Observations of a Dancing Queen by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr Owen Harper

Observed: 10:00 PM

Specimens: Captain Jack Harkness

Report commences:

It was pretty late and usually I would be at a bar or a random chick's house, yet here I was, walking into the Hub. Why? It's quite simple—I'd somehow forgotten by wallet on my desk and you can't get beer without money.

The Hub was exceptionally quiet—everyone had gone home, even the Teaboy, and the Big Bloody Bird was asleep, so the only sounds were the humming of the computers and the occasional creak.

Well, it gave me a HUGE fright when the strains of disco music reached me. I very manfully twitched and gave an extremely manful squeak.

After letting my heart calm down, I decided to investigate the noise.

"_Friday night and the lights are low  
Looking out for the place to go"_

The music sounded awfully familiar…

Ah-ha! It's ABBA!!!

Oh, great, just what I need, an ABBA loving alien weirdo that's taken over the Hub.

Oh, my sweet grandmother's underwear….the Captain is dancing to ABBA.

Let me repeat for clarification -- _The Captain is dancing to ABBA._

Have I gone insane? Or am I dreaming? Better pinch myself to make sure…Ow! Ok, I'm awake, and sane…I think.

"_You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen  
Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine  
You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life  
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen"_

That man can dance!!!

Right, I'm gonna go…I'll just set the CCTV to record first…

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Yeah, I know, this is the most overdone little idea ever, the old "Jack dances to ABBA" cliché…But I think it's cute…What about you?

Reviews are loved forever and ever!

Lyrics are from 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.


	14. Observations of a Flowery Apron

Thanks so so so much for all the reviews! I'm so incredibly glad that people like this!

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Observations of a Flowery Apron by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr Owen Harper

Observed: 9:00 on Tuesday morning

Specimens: Ianto Jones

Report commences:

At around 5:45 this morning, the Captain called the team in because of two Weevil alerts. It took us a whole flipping three hours (three hours!) to sedate them and get them safely locked away in a vault! I am NOT happy. This is the third night in a row that my precious sleep has been interrupted! It's hard to maintain this level of awesomeness without proper sleep, you know!

So tired…I feel like a zombie….AAARGH! I hate this job!

On the plus side, though, the Teaboy is making pancakes! I never knew he could cook! He's been in the kitchen for almost 15 minutes and it smells so good! I'm gonna go swipe a pancake…

Ow! The Teaboy whacked my hand with his spatula! He must have eyes on the back of his head! How could he have known I was there? Anyways, guess this means I'll have to actually wait for the pancakes…darn.

Yum! The Teaboy just brought in a steaming plate of pancakes! The Captain looks happy. I wonder if the Teaboy ever made pancakes for him before?

Well, the pancakes are incredibly yummy and guess what the Teaboy is wearing? A bright yellow apron covered in flowers! I nearly busted a rib laughing, but then the Teaboy glared at me so I stopped. I don't want decaf…

And besides he looks cute.

I wonder if I can convince the Teaboy to make French toast next?

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The line "So tired...I feel like a zombie..." sounds like me and my friends in the morning at school ;)

Reviews are, as always, very much appreciated!


	15. Observations of a Messy Eater

This is a follow on of sorts from the last Observation. It takes place the next morning…Enjoy!

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Observations of a Messy Eater by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr Owen Harper

Observed: 9:00 on Wednesday morning

Specimens: Captain Jack Harkness

Report commences:

Who da man? That's right, me! I actually convinced the Teaboy to make French toast!

So here I am, sitting and writing this, while the Teaboy gives out French toast. He has a new apron this time—it says "Kiss the Cook". Ha ha, like I'd ever do _that. _But I think the Captain is seriously considering it. Ew.

Speaking about the Captain, have you ever seen him eat? It's completely disgusting, yet strangely fascinating. He just somehow shoved a whole slice into his mouth and is chewing very, very, very slowly.

*snort* He looks like a chipmunk.

Oh, ew. Gwen just said something completely idiotic and the Captain had a laugh attack—with his mouth still stuffed with half chewed French toast—and it all fell out…that has to be one of the grossest things I've ever seen, and that's saying something.

And now he got maple syrup all over his face, along with crumbs, and jam. Yuck. I mean, not even I eat that badly!

The Teaboy is heading over with a wet bath-towel and he doesn't look too happy. Ooh, looks like someone's gonna get a bath!

I'd better go before the Teaboy decides to give me a bath, too!

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Well, it's almost 1:00 AM here in Canada, and I should be going to bed, but inspiration struck in the shower (yet again. Why is it always the shower?) And so, here I am. I hope you enjoy it, and if you think it's strange, have mercy on a poor, inspired-and-tired writer. Wow! I'm a poet and I didn't even know it!

Hey, I'm tired! Sorry for being insane and random!

And thanks for the amazing reviews! I'm absolutely thrilled with the response I'm getting! You guys rock!

Please review!


	16. Observations of a Boring Day

Observations of a Boring Day by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr Owen Harper

Observed: Wednesday

Specimens: The Torchwood Team (Captain Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones, Dr Owen Harper, Toshiko Sato and Gwen Cooper)

Report commences:

Today was one of the most boring days in the history of Torchwood. Nothing happened at all. NOTHING. No aliens or rift alerts or weevils. No mysterious sightings or invasions. Zip, zilch, nada. So what did we do all day? I'll tell you what we did—NOTHING.

The Teaboy made coffee while the Captain drooled over his arse. I watched porn. Toshiko started a random new computer program. And Gwen…well, Gwen decided to try abstract painting. I didn't think it was possible to be bad at abstract painting, but I guess I was wrong.

After a while, the Captain got bored and dragged the Teaboy into his office. They had sex. Very loud sex. I think I'm gonna have some nightmares tonight.

After that…well, I wasn't awake for the next coupla hours. I took a nap on the couch. Apparently, I missed a very exciting game of Twister which ended in the Captain and the Teaboy having more sex in his office. Ew. Glad I missed that. Though I would've liked to see Tosh play…

Then they woke me up in the middle of a really good dream because they were playing Musical Chairs. But we only had five people so that didn't last long. So then the Captain went to rent a movie and came back with…the Sound of Music. Groan. Next time, I'm choosing the movie.

After every last torturous minute of the Sound of Music had been finished, the Captain finally let us go home.

And that was the most boring day of my life. The end.

* * *

I am so incredibly sorry for the ridiculous amount of time it has been since I last updated. All I can say is that I've had a crazy amount of work, plus we had a weekend school trip, AND exams are in a week, and I'm so insanely busy it's absurd. So yeah.

Anyways… I hope you liked it!

Any ideas at all are welcome cuz I'm slightly stumped. Just tell me your idea and if I like it, I'll use it. (Please note the phrase, "if I like it".) I look forward to your ideas!

Please review!


	17. Observations of a Cutter

Blimey, it's been a while. Sorry everyone, and my gratitude to all who are still reading this!

This utterly adorable idea belongs to Marian Locksley. The only thing I did was write it.

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Observations of a Cutter by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr Owen Harper

Observed: June 20th

Specimens: Ianto Jones

Report commences:

Well, the time has come once again for the annual team checkup. I'm actually supposed to do them at least twice a year, but I do them only once. Oh, c'mon, do you think I actually enjoy looking at my partially naked colleagues? The Captain always turns it into a fashion show and starts strutting around in his boxers…once, I had to threaten him to stop him from going completely naked…That's one thing I don't want to see _ever. _

Anyways…I checked over Tosh, Gwen, and the Captain. They were all perfectly fine, although Gwen might've been overdoing it with the biscuits. Then I got to the Teaboy. He was in the same condition as he had been the last time I checked him over—a little underweight with trouble sleeping, but otherwise in good shape—until I got to his wrists. They had some half-healed marks on them, and I couldn't help but get worried.

I didn't say anything, though…the Teaboy wasn't in such a good mood that day, maybe because of the way Gwen was drooling over the Captain, and I didn't want to get on his bad side. Seriously. He can get really scary when you annoy him.

But as I lay in bed that night, I couldn't stop thinking about those marks. There was every possibility that the Teaboy could be cutting…I mean, that guy has been through a lot.

Ok…it's past 2:00 in the morning, and I still can't sleep! Those marks are haunting me! Stupid Teaboy…always making trouble, even when he doesn't mean to.

I've decided to ask him about it when I get to work today. And no, I'm not doing it because I care about him and his stupid messed-up life. I just want to get some sleep.

It's just after 10:00 in the morning, and I'm about to go over to the Teaboy. Wish me luck!

Oh my frickin' gosh! I'm so embarrassed…

Here's what happened: I asked him if he was cutting. I stared at him, looking utterly serious and concerned as a good doctor should be and then he started laughing!

He asked where on earth I had gotten that idea from and I told him about the marks on his wrists. In fact, I grabbed his wrist and pointed out the marks, still looking utterly serious and concerned.

And then I was all like, "I can get you help, you know, you don't have to deal with this on your own," and other sentimental rubbish like that. And then he started laughing again. He was literally bent over, crying with laughter.

After five minutes of that, I seriously started to get pissed. I asked him why he was laughing (I may also have sworn a bit, too) and he said that—

Oh, I'm so embarrassed!

He said that the marks were from handcuffs! He and Jack had been having some late-night fun which involved handcuffs and the marks were still healing.

I'm now both disgusted and embarrassed. What I wouldn't give to have the Rift swallow me up right now.

I don't think I'll ever be able to show my face in here again!

* * *

School is over! Yay! I have more time to write! On the minus side, it is absurdly hot here in Canada, AND I have a cold. Life is so unfair.

I hope you enjoyed it! Thank you, Marian Locksley for your amazing idea!

Please review!


	18. Observations of an Eyebrow

This idea was given to me by Orion Lyonesse. Enjoy!

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Observations of an Eyebrow by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr Owen Harper

Observed: Tuesday

Specimens: Janet the Weevil

Report commences:

You know, ever since I joined Torchwood, I've always wondered if weevils have eyebrows. It's a valid question. I mean, has anyone ever gotten close enough to find out and lived? So today, I, Dr. Owen Harper, will do the impossible, and answer this question. Well, maybe not the impossible, but whatever.

I'm standing outside Janet's cell, and her teeth are looking mighty sharp from here. I'm seriously considering this…is it really that important to find out if weevils have eyebrows?

Just had a cup of the Teaboy's coffee, and I've decided that yes, it is that important. Ok, breathe in, breathe out, shoulders back, chin forward, and go!

I'm back! I can report that no, weevils do not have eyebrows. All they have are those wrinkly things on their foreheads.

Injuries sustained: 1 (a small bite)

Mission: complete

Go me!

Wait…just had a thought…how would Weevils look with eyebrows? Now that I've thought of that, I need to know! I'll just have another cup of coffee, and grab Gwen's eyeliner pencil when she's not looking, and then show time!

Now that is just plain creepy…I drew on eyebrows for Janet and now she looks like…I can't describe it. She looks really creepy. Oh great. Now I'm going to have dreams about being stalked by creepy Weevils with eyebrows. Oh, yuck.

You know, I think I'll have another cup of coffee to get my mind off the eyebrows. Coffee is good.

* * *

Um…not so sure about this one, but whatever. Please tell me what you thought of it!

Please review!


	19. Observations of an Untrustworthy Man

Observations of an Untrustworthy Man by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr. Owen Harper

Observed: Friday, around lunchtime

Specimens: Captain Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones

Report commences:

It's lunchtime and I'm hungry. We don't have any pizza or anything because yesterday the Teaboy decided he was sick of ordering fast food and made today, "bring your own lunch day". Bring your own lunch day, my arse. So, after a bit of complaining and then staring at my fridge for 20 minutes straight when I got home, I decided to bring in some baked potatoes. I like baked potatoes. So here I am, in the kitchen, waiting for my potatoes to finish warming up.

The Captain is in here too. He's making a grilled cheese sandwich and humming, which is annoying the heck out of me.

Dang it…Tosh just yelled at me to come quickly, and bring my first-aid kit. My potatoes will burn if I leave them now! I guess I'll have to get the Captain to watch them for me…He'd better not let them burn!

The crisis was nothing serious; the Teaboy had been helping Tosh chop some vegetables for her salad when his hand slipped and he accidentally cut his finger. I gave him a band-aid and told him he'd be fine, then rushed back to the kitchen to check on my potatoes.

I am going to KILL that man. The stupid Captain let my potatoes burn! I'm so pissed I can feel steam coming out of my ears. Time to teach the Captain a lesson: don't mess with me when it comes to potatoes.

Remember what I said before about the Teaboy being magical? Well, what happened just now is more proof of that. Somehow, he managed to convince me to not kill the Captain and then out of nowhere, he produced two still-hot baked potatoes.

Well, I got my potatoes in the end. And I learned a valuable lesson: NEVER TRUST THE CAPTAIN WITH BAKED POTATOES.

* * *

I was chatting with my best friend while we watched a Doctor Who episode and at one point, she said that she wouldn't trust Jack with anything. Instantly, my mind conjured up a scenario, and this was born from it. I hope it turned out well!

And now, O wise and gracious readers, I ask of you your opinion. Do you think I should write some Observations on Tosh and Gwen? Because so far, these Observations have mainly been about Owen, Ianto, and Jack, and I'm wondering if I should maybe include the rest of the team. Tell me what you think, and I'd welcome any ideas!

Please review!


	20. Observations of a Biological Experiment

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, favourited and alerted! Your kindness and enthusiasm is much appreciated!

Wow! Observation #20 already! It's been so long since I first started this! Thanks again to everyone who has stuck with me and this fic for so long!

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Observations of a Biological Experiment

Report written by: Dr. Owen Harper

Observed: Sometime in July

Specimens: Coffee mug

Report commences:

I'm conducting a biological experiment of sorts. Basically, I'm monitoring an old mug, which has some sort of green lower life-form growing in it. Why am I doing this? Well, for the sake of science and discovery, of course! I'm certainly not doing this because I'm too lazy to put back the mug, and I'm definitely not doing this because I want to annoy the Teaboy. I assure you, my intentions are pure.

NOT! Ha, ha, ha! For the sake of science and discovery, that's a good one.

You want the real story? One afternoon, 3 months ago, the Teaboy gave me some coffee in a big blue mug. Since then, the mug has been sitting on my desk. I kept forgetting about it, ok? I'm a busy man; I don't have time to put away coffee mugs! That's the Teaboy's job, not mine. (And if he reads what I just wrote, I'm dead.)

Anyways…After almost two weeks, I noticed that the mug had started growing strange green mold. After a month, the inside of the mug was comptetely covered in a thick layer of mold. And that's how the Teaboy found it: smelly and furry. He actually passed out. I've been hiding it from him since then. Don't want my coffee supplier to get hurt.

But yesterday, the Teaboy found it again. He doesn't clean my desk anymore, not since he found what he thought was a tennis ball but turned out to be an apple. Every once in a while, though, the mess gets too big for his OCD tendencies to handle, and he completely disinfects and cleans my desk.

When he saw the cup (it looked more like a furry _thing_), he screamed and ran away. Then he came back with a pair of really long tongs and carefully picked up the mug. I managed to stop him from throwing it out, though-why, I don't know. I think that all the time the mug and I spent together caused a connection to be formed between us. I couldn't bear to see the mug thrown away, so I told the Teaboy that it's a biological experiment.

And now my mug and I will never be parted.

* * *

Um…I'm SERIOUSLY not sure about this, but it's almost 1:00 AM, and I DON'T CARE!

I hope you liked it…Please tell me if you did! I'm feeling a bit insecure.


	21. Observations of a Piece of Chocolate

Sorry for the amount of time that has passed since the last update. I have been (and still am) battling with a pretty bad case of writer's block. I really hope this makes up for it!

And because I'm bored, I will dedicate this chapter to everyone who reviewed the last chapter: sophianz, Orion Lyonesse, tabitha jones, NikkieSheepie, Camacartz, pancy nancy, Marian Locksley, milady dragon, specialfrancine, Tacroy, XbrokenXstarsX, The Queen of Confusion, anonymous, and XxTypoMasterxX. Thanks so much!

Observations of a Piece of Chocolate by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr. Owen Harper

Observed: Monday

Specimens: Dr Owen Harper, piece of chocolate

Report commences:

The Teaboy is torturing me. He just put a bar of chocolate in front of me and he _knows_ I'm hungry. He's probably still angry about what happened last week. It's not my fault I spilled some coffee on his suit! It was an accident. I slipped!

Oh dear G-d…I can hear my poor stomach rumbling! That chocolate looks so good!

Ok, I'm going to steal some! Yes, I _am_ that desperate. I'll just peek around quickly to make sure no-one's watching and then that chocolate is mine!

Ow! Dang it!

The Teaboy somehow appeared out of nowhere and slapped my hand. And now my hand is killing me, and I'm STILL hungry!

Oh, G-d, if You're out there, have mercy on me and kill me right now. I'm so hungry, and the chocolate looks so good! It's all glistening and yummy and brown, and I can smell it from here! I don't think I'll be able to last for long!

The Teaboy just took the chocolate away. Uh-oh. I hope he doesn't notice that some of it is missing!

He just stomped over to me and asked if I ate some of it. I said no, of course.

I just hope he doesn't see the suspicious brown stains on my hands.

* * *

Something funny happened to me very recently. Last week, my brother randomly asked me, "What can you do with a measuring tape?"

Let me tell you, I definitely did NOT say the first thing that came in mind.

Please review!


	22. Observations of a Pair of Jeans

I have officially conquered my writer's block! YAY!

And here it is: the first Observation that is not about Owen, Jack, or Ianto! YAY! (Sorry, I just had some chocolate cake so I'm a bit hyper.)

This idea was given to me by Marian Locksley. You rock!

* * *

Observations of a Pair of Jeans by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr Owen Harper

Observed: Friday

Specimens: Gwen Cooper

Report commences:

Have you ever noticed how tight Gwen's pants are? I mean, when she first started here, they were a normal size. Just your average slightly baggy jeans. And then as time went on, they started getting tighter and tighter and tighter! And now they leave absolutely nothing to the imagination! I bet she paints them on.

I don't have a problem with that, of course. The view _is_ rather nice. But still! It must be so hard to run in those pants, and this job requires a heck-load of running! It's a miracle she hasn't fallen on her face yet.

Wow. She just walked by. Those are her tightest pair yet! I wonder how she's even walking normally!

Wait…I take that back. If you look closely enough, you can see that there is some stiffness around the knee and she's walking a bit like a penguin.

That gives me an idea. *evil laugh* Oh gosh, I'm such an evil genius.

I just asked her to come down to the autopsy bay, where I'm writing this. And you know how you get to the autopsy bay? That's right; you have to walk down some stairs. And Gwen can't even move her knees! I can't wait to see her face when she falls! This is going to be awesome!

C'mon, c'mon, trip already!

YES! She just fell flat on her face! She looks really pissed! Oh man, this is so funny!

Ok, she's coming after me and she's really starting to steam. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

But it was totally worth it to see her face.

* * *

I hope this was ok, because I literally wrote it in 10 minutes. I just felt bad that I hadn't posted anything in a while so I decided to just quickly write this and post it as a weekend present for you, my beloved readers!

Please review!


	23. Observations of a Measuring Tape

This Observation is in honour of the anniversary of my Fanfiction account. That's right; it's been exactly a year since I got my account! I'm very sentimental so I decided to celebrate with another Observation.

And a huge thank-you to every single one of my reviewers! You guys rock!

This utterly adorable idea was given to me by Quiet Time. I hope I did it justice!

* * *

Observations of a Measuring Tape by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr Owen Harper

Observed: Tuesday

Specimens: Ianto Jones, Captain Jack Harkness

Report commences:

The Teaboy and the Captain are having an argument. And it's not even about something serious, like the food bill. They're arguing about a measuring tape. That's right, a _measuring tape. _I mean, of all the idiotic things to argue about!

Whoa. It looks like they're really taking whatever this is about seriously. They're getting really loud.

Ok, they're really starting to bug me. I'm trying to concentrate here, people! Either shut up or argue somewhere else!

It looks like they've decided to follow my advice! The Teaboy just grabbed the measuring tape and is dragging the Captain into his office. I hope this doesn't get violent, cuz that's the last thing I need. I'm already annoyed enough as it is.

Ok, the arguing has finally stopped, and I'm not sure if I should happy or worried. Oh, well.

What the-? I just found the measuring-tape in the garbage. It's been ripped in half and burnt to a crisp. And the Teaboy just wandered by, looking very smug.

I wonder what this whole thing was about.

Ok, never mind. I've decided that I really don't want to know.

* * *

It's pretty short and I'm not so sure about it, but whatever.

Please review! *puppy dog eyes*


	24. Observations of an Excessively Neat Man

Oh my gosh, yay! Thanks so much for the 200+ reviews! You guys rock!

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Observations of an Excessively Neat Man by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr. Owen Harper

Observed: Tuesday morning

Specimens: Ianto Jones

Report commences:

OK, The Teaboy is insane. I mean, seriously! He sorted my pens by colour! First of all, I can't believe that he actually went near my desk. Second of all, who in their right mind sorts pens?

Oh my gosh. He didn't just stop at the pen sorting. He also set out my scalpels neatly and organized my papers. I can actually see my desk! How wrong is that?

What's so bad about a little mess? I mean, a little dust never hurt anyone. Ok yes, I admit it, the half-eaten sandwich I lost a month ago was pretty bad, but otherwise my desk was ok! There was no need to go and _organize_ it.

Argh, I need some coffee.

Ok, I'm seriously freaked out. The Teaboy has sorted the coffee mugs by colour and placed each mug exactly two centimeters apart. I know that because I saw him measuring with a tape measure.

I wonder if he'd notice if I moved a mug, say, one centimeter away from the rest.

Ok, I moved it! I'm going to hide and see what happens.

Whoa. The Teaboy just walked in and could tell, from first glance, that the mug had been moved! How freaky is that? And then he took out a tape measure and put the mug back to exactly two centimeters away!

Like I said before, the Teaboy is insane.

Dang it. He just yelled my name and he doesn't look happy. How could he have known it was me?

Oh right, I forgot. The Teaboy is magical.

* * *

I can't help but feel bad for Owen. These things always end up with someone on the team pissed at him. Oh well!

I have a special Observation planned for the next chapter. If you are very good and review, you may just convince me to post it before I leave for vacation this Saturday night. So review!


	25. Observations of an Observer

I'm so, so sorry that I didn't update before Saturday! I've been really busy. Because I feel so bad, I've specially taken time away from all the swimming, eating and shopping that I'm doing to write this for you, my beloved readers. So here it is, people, the special Observation as promised. Enjoy!

Observations of an Observer by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Ianto Jones

Observed: 4:10 PM, August 24

Specimens: Dr. Owen Harper

Report commences:

Owen has been acting rather strange lately. Even stranger than normal! First of all, he hasn't watched porn during work hours for at least a month, which is strange in itself. But it gets weirder—instead of porn, he's been writing.

That's right, writing. Dr. Owen Harper, who will do anything to not write a report, is writing out of his own free will. _Instead of watching porn._

He must've been taken over by aliens or something, that's the only explanation that makes sense.

He's really being creepy. He keeps staring at us and then laughing. Or he pulls a prank on us and then just smirks when we yell at him and starts writing. And the worst thing is? No one else agrees with me.

When I asked Tosh if she thought something was up with Owen, all she said was 'Mmmm…' Granted, she was in the middle of creating a new translation program at the time, but I would've appreciated an answer that contained more than one syllable.

Giving up on her, I headed over to my coffee machine to make yet another round of coffee. As I handed Gwen her mug, I decided to ask her opinion. But all she said was "Sweetie, Owen sometime does things for reasons that are beyond human comprehension. Thanks for the coffee, by the way."

You can imagine how annoyed I was getting. I mean, was I the only one with eyes around here? To make matters worse, even Jack didn't believe me. When I asked him, he rolled his eyes at me! Ok, that's it, no coffee for him this week.

I'm feeling very frustrated. Why won't anyone listen to me?

I need a nap.

* * *

I really don't like this. I really, really don't. Please tell me what you thought of it! Do you think I should redo it?

And also, this may be the last Observation for quite some time, because school starts as soon as I get back from the beach. In fact, I'm not even sure if there will be more Observations after this.

Please review!


	26. Observations of a Suspicious Teaboy

A humongous thank you for the absolutely amazing reviews! Seriously, they were incredibly. My heart is warm :)

The seriously cute idea for this chapter came from chironsgirl. Thank you, chironsgirl! I loved your idea!

This follows on from the previous Observation.

Observations of a Suspicious Teaboy by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr. Owen Harper

Observed: Thursday

Specimens: Ianto Jones

Report commences:

I think the Teaboy is cracking up.

It started a few days ago. He started following me around and staring at me all the time, which was a bit creepy.

Later on, I saw him talking quietly with Tosh, then Gwen, then the Captain. He was asking about me, I could tell. He had a shifty look on his face and he kept glancing around. I don't know what the others said to him but he looked really annoyed when he walked away from them.

He kept looking more and more annoyed and I was getting a bit worried. Not that I was worried about him, of course; I just don't want my source of coffee to get sick.

I was even more worried when he disappeared.

Then I saw him sleeping on the sofa. The Teaboy was taking a nap. _A nap! _He's never had a nap, not in the three years he's worked here! Something's definitely up.

Ok, he's really freaking me out. Right now, he's staring at me writing, with a deranged look in his eye. He's tapping a pencil against his desk really hard, and I'm scared he's going to suddenly snap and throw it at me.

This is insane! I don't even know what I did!

Whew, he's gone! Now I can write in peace!

I wonder what's up with him?

ACK!

The Teaboy just snuck up on me! He really has to stop doing that; I nearly had a heart attack or something! What does he want?

Ok, that was weird…he just told me, and I quote, "I have no idea what you're doing and why, but rest assured I WILL figure it out!"

What's on earth is he going on about? What am I doing that's so weird?

You know what? I don't think it's me who's being weird. It's the Teaboy. He's the one who's acting seriously strange.

I think he needs another nap.

* * *

Please review and tell me what you think!

**Opinion question:** What, in your opinion, is the best Observation I've written? Please either PM me your answer or tell me in your review. Thanks!

Reviews are love!


	27. Observations of a Sprig of Mistletoe

Months ago, **Quiet Time** requested an Observation that had to do with mistletoe. I was struck by inspiration rather quickly but I decided to save it for Christmas. Here it is! Enjoy!

* * *

Observations of a Sprig of Mistletoe by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr. Owen Harper

Observed: Christmas Eve

Specimens: Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness, Gwen Cooper, Toshiko Sato

Report commences:

So, Christmas. 'Tis the season to be jolly, tra la la, ho ho ho, all that crap. The only thing I like about Christmas is the mistletoe. And the presents. But especially the mistletoe. I mean, who would turn down a free kiss?

The thing is, now I have to decide who I want my kiss from. Not the Captain, that's for sure. The Teaboy is also out. Gwen would be nice but she's kind of married, so that would be a bit awkward. I guess that leaves…Tosh.

Hey, that's not so bad. I could do worse. She _is_ kind of pretty.

Right, so now I have to get my kiss. It's time to track her down and catch her under the mistletoe.

There she is! She's heading over to the Teaboy, sneaky girl. She's probably getting a coffee or something. I'd better hurry up or I'll lose her.

Dang it. I was so close to Tosh! How could I have ended up under the mistletoe with the Teaboy? At least he looked just as embarrassed as I felt. I think we would've gotten away without kissing if the Captain hadn't seen us and forced us to.

Well, that was embarrassing. I'm off to wash my mouth and find Tosh again.

Found her! She's going over to the kitchen to rinse out her mug. I'm off!

Well, that wasn't _so_ bad. I bumped into Gwen, and we just so happened to be right under the sprig of mistletoe. She gave me a light peck, nothing special. I still need my special Christmas kiss, though!

Just looked up and spotted Tosh over by the Captain's office, chatting to the Teaboy. Sneaky bastard, that Captain. He put up mistletoe _everywhere _outside his office. Oh, wait, the Teaboy's leaving! Now's my chance. I can't fail this time!

OH MY FREAKING GOD. What have I done to deserve this? As soon as I reached Tosh, she walked away and the Captain came out. And guess where we were standing? That's right; under one of the hundreds of sprigs of mistletoe the Captain had hung everywhere!

You don't want to know what happened next. Let me just say that the Captain is a very….um…_enthusiastic_ kisser.

I need a coffee. So badly.

Well, what do you know? I just so happened to bump into Tosh on my way to the Teaboy. So there we were, smack dab under that mistletoe, and she smiled and leaned in and…

Well, let's just say that I never knew Tosh could kiss so well.

Mission accomplished!

* * *

So there you go. I hope you enjoyed it!

I just wanted to let you all know that I'm currently working on another Torchwood story. I started it way back in July and it's still not finished! I'm actually rather proud of it (which is quite unusual for me) and hopefully I'll finish it within the next few months or so. So keep an eye out for any new TW stories by me!

I currently have zero ideas for Observations, so feel free to send in any requests or ideas! It's much appreciated!

Personally, I don't celebrate Christmas (I already had my eight days of Chanukah) but I'd like to wish each and every one of you a very merry Christmas!

Reviews are love!


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